this week on tv #1

welcome to the first installment of "this week on tv," where i will (typically) rant about the bullshit i catch on television; hence the name! let's face it: there is way too much crap out there on the small screen, so allow me to do you this favor. :)

• the stereotypical queens of the a-list: new york continue to amuse (and embarrass) gays across the nation with their catty back-stabbing; rodiney's terrible english worsens.
• lumpy space princess from adventure time with jake and finn finally returns home after being homeless for an entire season; her "monster in the cave" stint and the townspeople she terrorized are particularly cute!
• sarah colonna, a.k.a. "chelsea lite" on chelsea lately, was prominently featured in a trilogy of hilarious voice messages she left josh wolf while completely wasted and wandering through casinos and parks alone; ross mathews and loni love contributed little to the round table other than their stale go-to crap.
• larry once again got into his regular antics on curb your enthusiasm by "saving" a stewardess on an airplane from an unruly passenger, only to have everything blow up in his face (natch.) then he makes a dick of himself at a dinner party and gets found out, only to become a true hero by pummeling a punk on a subway with some seriously hard bread!
• the professor from futurama thinks he is dying from a disease and asks for dr. zoidberg to mercy kill him, to which the other crew members respond by kicking everyone's favorite medical crustacean out; he later returns to save the day just in time when the professor turns into a yeti!
  
• chef ramsay continues to amuse on hell's kitchen with his constant rage mode; most of the contestants prove that they have never actually cooked before with an epically bad dinner service after which the baraka lookalike goes home. (she couldn't have POSSIBLY been 24!)
• the blonde bimbo from masterchef us wins the whole tamale in the underwhelming season finale. this show is apparently a huge deal in other countries; these losers couldn't possibly have been the best home cooks in the nation!
  
• the weathered-looking broad from project runway is sent packing after designing a tacky gray and orange housecoat for fashion icon nina garcia; a sexy olive green jumpsuit and form-fitting slacks light up the runway and impress the judges.
• uber ungrateful mega bitch ashley from the real housewives of new jersey finally gets a long-needed talking-to after sending her mother into tears; teresa continues her life of delusion and caroline's kids remain amazingly lame.
• the bullshit that is tru blood finally airs the first good episode of the season; too bad it took until the halfway point. shit hits the fan for much of the cast, most noticeably jessica, while eric bangs sookie all over the woods so fans with nonactive sex lives can get their rocks off.