this week on tv #5

• on the season premiere of america's next top model, tyra begins her so-called "all-star cycle" with a plethora of no-names from seasons past. following a dull self-image photo shoot, the models walk a live runway and at the elimination a self-absorbed party girl from cycle 5 is sent packing.
• mallory has used up much of her resources tracking down her son sterling on archer, though the other isis members couldn't care less. when she sends a bounty hunter from her past to get the job done, the unlikely pair massacre a bunch of pirates and wind up on a desert island inhabited by buxom babes! ace!
• chelsea handler dishes it as only she can on chelsea lately. aside from discussing a variety of amusing subjects on the round table, she also partakes in a very special cooking segment with chuy and her brother roy to help make a refreshing sangria and tasty jewish potato pancakes.
• on the season finale of curb your enthusiasm, larry is having a series of increasingly awkward confrontations with michael j. fox and is convinced he is abusing his disorder. meanwhile, larry buys a sewing machine for his girlfriend's effeminate son and jeff proves his love for susie.
  
• things are down to the wire on hell's kitchen with only the five best chefs left. following the dinner service from hell, the fat wench jennifer is sent home for a lack of leadership skills and failing to find her voice in the kitchen.
• on the season premiere of it's always sunny in philadelphia, the gang is disgusted that frank wants to marry a crack-addicted prostitute named roxy and try numerous tactics to ruin the relationship. as per usual, however, things go awry and the hooker succumbs to a crack overdose.
  
• the designers pair up with men on project runway to design a stunning look inspired by their female companions. a simple black dress and an artsy geisha gown get high marks on the runway but bryce's pink dress is far too frumpy and he is eliminated.
• teresa continues her tirade on the real housewives of new jersey. whereas the rest of the ladies are able to have lunch and discuss things like perfectly normal adults, teresa plays the role of a toddler in her "terrible two's" phase and makes everyone uncomfortable with her rude interruptions and senseless blather.
• on the season finale of tru blood, jesus makes a deal with marnie's spirit to save lafayette at the cost of his own life. meanwhile, sam finds that he still has family left in bon temps and tara saves sookie from a vicious fate.
• on the series premiere of whitney, america proves yet again that the cut-and-paste kindergarten routine of the modern sitcom still "works." whereas much of the cast is unlikeable and half of the jokes fall flat, main couple whitney and alex may be enough to hold the bullshit together.