this week on tv #3

• the ultra annoying lady boys of the a-list: new york prove yet again that they can still be as obnoxious as ever and send all homosexuals spiraling back another twenty years with their catty pettiness. austin gets into a tiff with his hubbie after flirting with reichen too much and newcomer nyasha has difficulties choosing the right girls for her runway show.
• the ice king participates in a wizard battle on adventure time with finn and jake, only to cheat his way through the ranks in the hopes of earning the prize: a kiss from princess bubblegum. everyone's favorite cartoon hero boy and his canine pal save the day (natch) and finn even gets to reap the very tasty rewards!
• chelsea handler brings the big laughs (as per norm) on chelsea lately with discussions of such varied topics as a cop having sex on the hood of his car and a republican taking a picture of his ass with his cheeks spread apart.
• bender becomes as powerful as a god on futurama when cubert tweaks his programming to omnipotent levels. meanwhile, fry and leela contemplate the future of their relationship.
• on the season finale of the green room with paul provenza, comedy legend eddie izzard is joined by a variety of no-names to discuss numerous topics, make inane movie references, and tell mean jokes.
• super flaky elizabeth gets cut on hell's kitchen after losing her cool for the second dinner service in a row. the remaining five contestants are rewarded the coveted black aprons.
• g.p. and the fergs are up to their typical tomfoolery on the late late show with craig ferguson. kathy griffin stops by for a funny chat filled with sexual undertones about her upcoming plans.
• the designers on project runway visit an art school in harlem to paint a picture with a student. back at the workroom, they have two days to make an avant-garde look inspired by their paintings. bald mormon joshua c. is sent packing for the second time after throwing together sloppy pirate waitress garb.
• caroline's kids lame out on the real housewives of new jersey with their latest business venture: bottled water that is black in color. (i know, right?) teresa attends a book signing and her asshole of a husband gets uber drunk, slides on his belly across the floor, and chips his tooth.
• eric returns to his normal state on tru blood after sookie breaks the spell marnie had cast on him. meanwhile, hoyt sobs like a baby, terry stages an intervention for andy, and the vampires march towards the magic shop to destroy marnie once and for all.
  

this week on tv #2

• the ice king on adventure time with jake and finn is once again up to his old tricks; in his desperation to befriend our adorable heroes, he freezes them with a potion. finn tries to save the day by calling forth the "astral beast," but things don't quite go as planned.
• the round table of chelsea lately scores big laughs, as usual, with their cynical repertoire of witty comebacks. ross mathews hosted in chelsea's place on monday night with barely passing marks while the lovely miss handler recuperated from a long, fun weekend.
• larry meets a sexy younger woman on curb your enthusiasm and the two hit it off from the start. however, uber dyke rosie o'donnell meets her as well and turns out--bitch is bisexual! hilarity ensues while both vie for the same girl and viagra and bad customer service all come full circle.
• fry nearly obliterates the entire universe on futurama when he reintroduces the population of earth to the common cold. the crew goes to ridiculous measures to fix his unfortunate mishap.
• things get heated on the green room with paul provenza when audience regular ron jeremy (yes, ron jeremy) gets way too drunk and makes a dick of himself instead of letting the panel talk, only to get slammed to a table and tossed out by a bouncer. wonderful!
• chef ramsay continues to delight with his potty mouth and constant mantrums on hell's kitchen. blonde bitch carrie is sent packing, much to the delight of elise, and a tearful natalie goes home after a historically bad dinner service.
• things are (mostly) back to normal on the late late show with craig ferguson, now that his stint in paris with kristen bell is done. a mysterious envelope filled with cornstarch, a bad hair choice, and geoff doing his regis philbin voice are amongst the highlights.
• shit hits the fan on project runway when the lovely cecilia withdraws herself from the competition, only to be replaced by the creepy mormon guy who had gotten eliminated on the SECOND episode! the designers work as teams to create denim and suede looks to go with heidi's collection of new balance sneakers. the mousy quiet girl fails to find a voice and gets chopped.
• the goddess is up to her usual shenanigans on roseanne's nuts. she flies to l.a. to get legal weed but has trouble finding a way to sneak it back into hawaii; her hippie friend comes by and hooks her up. later, she gives an empowering speech to an all-girls school.
• tru blood delivers their second good episode in a row; a first for them! bill's loyalties with nan are tested and sookie finds a new friend in debbie. the crescendo peaks at a humane relations event when crazy ass marnie lets her vampire army do their thing.
  

shane has no shame - reapers

oh, snap...!

welcome to the first installment of "shane has no shame," where i plan to dispute any rumors that i am made of glass and show various compromising media solely for the purpose of your amusement!

i hope to start off with a bang with my first official screenplay entitled reapers, which centers on a young teenager who must contend with a group of cannibalistic murderers that descend on her hometown.

although this project took me only about two weeks to complete, it is still riddled with quite a few grammatical errors in conjunction with bad dialogue and a finale that wraps up entirely too quickly. feel free to laugh your ass off and bust my chops! that's the primary reason this section is here!

oh, snap...!

retrospect - mommie dearest

welcome to the first installment of "retrospect," where i honor timeless classics that are either unbelievably epic or notoriously bad. and what better cult favorite to start with other than the MOTHER OF THEM ALL, mommie dearest?! that's right; there isn't one!

if you were either raised by wolves in the woods or spent your entire life trapped in an underground dungeon, you may not have ever seen this 1981 "biographical drama" starring faye dunaway as joan crawford. these are really the only excuses one can possibly have for not seeing this one at least once. it fails miserably as a dramatic film but it earns high marks as a side-splitting comedy!

as soon as the movie starts, with that old 80's soap opera atmosphere and dunaway's crawford battering her epidermis with a ridiculous daily regimen, you know you're in for quite a treat. it is in these opening segments that dunaway delivers her first of many one-liners to come in regards to her boyfriend's socks and her clean floor.

the film only gets better with the introduction of crawford's foster children. though christina manages to bring the laughs with her macaroni hairdon't and smart mouth, christopher is strangely absent and must be insane or something, as he spends the whole movie strapped to his bed like a mental patient. a race in the swimming pool and infamous "NO WIRE HANGERS" scene really stand out!

later on, christina (working the same haircut she has had her entire life) is sent to reform school for her attitude problems, only to be dramatically yanked out for kissing a boy, to which crawford boldly insists that headmistress mrs. chadwick is "underreacting!"

that evening, mother and daughter duke it out old school with a journalist in the house. smooth move! the fight scene should have received awards for the great choreography; the double slap and christina's granny panties are especially epic!

years later, christina has found some success as an actress on a soap opera, only to fall ill and have her mother take over the role. in the end, crawford gets the last laugh and so, too, does the audience. enough with all of the big hollywood cg bullshit; just remake this treasure trove of comedy gold already!

this week on tv #1

welcome to the first installment of "this week on tv," where i will (typically) rant about the bullshit i catch on television; hence the name! let's face it: there is way too much crap out there on the small screen, so allow me to do you this favor. :)

• the stereotypical queens of the a-list: new york continue to amuse (and embarrass) gays across the nation with their catty back-stabbing; rodiney's terrible english worsens.
• lumpy space princess from adventure time with jake and finn finally returns home after being homeless for an entire season; her "monster in the cave" stint and the townspeople she terrorized are particularly cute!
• sarah colonna, a.k.a. "chelsea lite" on chelsea lately, was prominently featured in a trilogy of hilarious voice messages she left josh wolf while completely wasted and wandering through casinos and parks alone; ross mathews and loni love contributed little to the round table other than their stale go-to crap.
• larry once again got into his regular antics on curb your enthusiasm by "saving" a stewardess on an airplane from an unruly passenger, only to have everything blow up in his face (natch.) then he makes a dick of himself at a dinner party and gets found out, only to become a true hero by pummeling a punk on a subway with some seriously hard bread!
• the professor from futurama thinks he is dying from a disease and asks for dr. zoidberg to mercy kill him, to which the other crew members respond by kicking everyone's favorite medical crustacean out; he later returns to save the day just in time when the professor turns into a yeti!
  
• chef ramsay continues to amuse on hell's kitchen with his constant rage mode; most of the contestants prove that they have never actually cooked before with an epically bad dinner service after which the baraka lookalike goes home. (she couldn't have POSSIBLY been 24!)
• the blonde bimbo from masterchef us wins the whole tamale in the underwhelming season finale. this show is apparently a huge deal in other countries; these losers couldn't possibly have been the best home cooks in the nation!
  
• the weathered-looking broad from project runway is sent packing after designing a tacky gray and orange housecoat for fashion icon nina garcia; a sexy olive green jumpsuit and form-fitting slacks light up the runway and impress the judges.
• uber ungrateful mega bitch ashley from the real housewives of new jersey finally gets a long-needed talking-to after sending her mother into tears; teresa continues her life of delusion and caroline's kids remain amazingly lame.
• the bullshit that is tru blood finally airs the first good episode of the season; too bad it took until the halfway point. shit hits the fan for much of the cast, most noticeably jessica, while eric bangs sookie all over the woods so fans with nonactive sex lives can get their rocks off.
  

firefox ak - color the trees

do your ears a favor.

color the trees is the third album from stunningly sexy swedish electronica singer firefox ak. okay, i know what you're saying: WHO THE FUCK IS FIREFOX AK?! well, that's why you come to both my babies; to learn this sort of thing. (and let's face it, how can you not be curious about an artist with a stage name like that?)

firefox ak is andrea kellerman. she released two previous albums, madame! madame! and if i were a melody, respectively, but color the trees is by far her best work. the production values are stellar and the elecronica itself is lush with soft folk flourishes. add in a great vocalist and some poetic lyrics and call it a day.

this record is one of the few i find myself coming back to again and again. kellerman's delivery melds well with dreamy electro melodies and light folk flourishes. my fave tracks are "boom boom boom," "the wind," and "honey locust," but they're all terrific. and look, i even added a bonus remix for your listening pleasure! which tracks do you like the most? i can dig it; can you?

01. brother to brother
02. meet me there
03. boom boom boom
04. the wind
05. heavy with rain
06. color the trees
07. honey locust
08. old city delusion
09. between these walls
10. running on my own
11. my sister and i
12. the way that i do
13. boom boom boom (boeones kaelstigen remix)

do your ears a favor.

i should have known...

i should have known you'd know where to find the boys AND the booze! welcome to both my babies, your one-stop spot for everything you'll ever need to know about anything in this crazy place we call earth! check back soon for downloads, nonsense, and bullshit!

my babies! someone stole BOTH my babies!