wtf - saved by the bleep

are you laughing your ass off, too? awesome. now we all know what the characters on saved by the bell really wanted to say, if only the censors had allowed them.

as a child of the 90's, i used to watch saved by the bell quite often and though it was occasionally funny, nothing compares to this amazing edited video full of innuendo and cheeky references. who knew that everyone at bayside high is a total pervert?

although youtube is filled to the brim with lame attempts at comedy, this one is pure gold. and as i'm notorious for my own potty mouth, i can kind of relate.

wtf - too much caffeine

i'm so excited, too, jessie! who would have ever guessed that after her stint as smart and sassy jessie spano on saved by the bell she would later move onto ultra classy family-friendly flick showgirls and rub ice on her nipples? this guy right here, that's who! all i can say is: get it, girl.

this video is a hilarious remix of the infamous scene in which jessie's bestie zack finds out that she is addicted to caffeine pills (that's right) because there's NO TIME to study and she HAS TO SING! after all, there's a sleazy music video in leotards at stake here!

this is some funny shit and i'm laughing my ass off but it's also a little sad (not really) since jessie isn't only SO EXCITED; she's SO SCARED, too. chin up, girl. i'll never get into stanford, either.

wtf - kids

don't look surprised! you knew that mommie dearest was bound to make another appearance on both my babies at some point. and so once again we find dunaway's crawford moving us with the grace and patience as only a mother can.

it may only last 13 seconds, but this clip has some truly priceless parenting tips. for instance, if your children are playing kickball with sofa cushions (??????) within the confines of your yard, lean out your window with a hangover and scream at them. that way, all of your neighbors can know how ridiculous you are!

anyway, if you've yet to see mommie dearest yet then you have probably got some fairly serious issues. get with it!

retrospect - mommie dearest

welcome to the first installment of "retrospect," where i honor timeless classics that are either unbelievably epic or notoriously bad. and what better cult favorite to start with other than the MOTHER OF THEM ALL, mommie dearest?! that's right; there isn't one!

if you were either raised by wolves in the woods or spent your entire life trapped in an underground dungeon, you may not have ever seen this 1981 "biographical drama" starring faye dunaway as joan crawford. these are really the only excuses one can possibly have for not seeing this one at least once. it fails miserably as a dramatic film but it earns high marks as a side-splitting comedy!

as soon as the movie starts, with that old 80's soap opera atmosphere and dunaway's crawford battering her epidermis with a ridiculous daily regimen, you know you're in for quite a treat. it is in these opening segments that dunaway delivers her first of many one-liners to come in regards to her boyfriend's socks and her clean floor.

the film only gets better with the introduction of crawford's foster children. though christina manages to bring the laughs with her macaroni hairdon't and smart mouth, christopher is strangely absent and must be insane or something, as he spends the whole movie strapped to his bed like a mental patient. a race in the swimming pool and infamous "NO WIRE HANGERS" scene really stand out!

later on, christina (working the same haircut she has had her entire life) is sent to reform school for her attitude problems, only to be dramatically yanked out for kissing a boy, to which crawford boldly insists that headmistress mrs. chadwick is "underreacting!"

that evening, mother and daughter duke it out old school with a journalist in the house. smooth move! the fight scene should have received awards for the great choreography; the double slap and christina's granny panties are especially epic!

years later, christina has found some success as an actress on a soap opera, only to fall ill and have her mother take over the role. in the end, crawford gets the last laugh and so, too, does the audience. enough with all of the big hollywood cg bullshit; just remake this treasure trove of comedy gold already!